热情周到的服务，却差点让顾客气晕了，why？
Waiter From Hell
Remember when eating out was a relaxing experience? Someone else cooked for you, served you and cleaned up after you. All you had to do was chew, swallow and pay. No longer, though. Today you feel like a laboratory rat who has to struggle through a maze every time it wants a chunk of cheese.
“Good evening.” The waiter said. “ Table for four?”
“Yes, thank you.”
“Smoking or non?”
“Nonsmoking.”
“Would you prefer to dine indoors or outdoors this evening?”
“I guess indoors would be good.”
Then a young man better dressed and better looking than any of us presented himself at our table. “Good evening, my name is Paul, and I’ll be your waiter this evening. Would you like a few minutes before I take your order?”
“No,” I said, “I’m just a meat-and-potatoes guy, so I’ll have the filet mignon and baked potato.”
“Soup or salad?”
“Salad.”
“We have a mixed-green salad, hearts of palm or a very fine endive salad with baby shrimp.”
“just a mixed-green salad, okay?”
“Whatever you say, sir. Dressing?”
I didn’t want to make another decision. “Whatever you’ve got will be fine.”
“We have creamy Italian, blue cheese, vinaigrette, Thousand Island, honey Dijon, ranch…”
“Just bring me one. Surprise me.”
“Creamy Italian is our house specialty. Would that be all right, sir?”
“Yeah.” I was curt. I was done with civility.
“And your baked potato…”
I knew what was coming. “I just want the baked potato dry, you understand? I don’t want anything on it.”
“No butter? No sour cream?”
“No.”
“No, chives?”
“No! Don’t you understand English?” I shouted. “ I don’t want anything on it. Just bring me a baked potato and a steak.”
“Would you prefer the six-, eight- or 12-ounce steak, sir?”
“Whatever.”
“Would you like that rare, medium rare, medium, medium well or well done? Or, if you prefer, we can butterfly it for you.”
“Pauly Boy,” I said, “you are really starting to get me steamed”
“Which brings up the vegetables, sir. Would you like steamed broccoli, creamed corn, sauteed zucchini, diced carrots--”
That did it. I threw my napkin to the floor, stood up, put my face right in his arrogant kisser and said, “How’d you like to settle this outside?”
“Fine with me, sir. Would you prefer the parking lot, the side alley or the street in front of the restaurant?”
“I prefer right here,” I said, and sucker-punched him.
He ducked, then countered with a left hook right under my eye. It was the first time all night he hadn’t offered me a selection. I collapsed semiconscious into my chair, as someone in authority rushed over and berated Pauly.
When I regained my senses, I saw the very concerned waiter right in front of my nose. He apologized and offered to buy me a drink, call the parmesan-whatever I wanted.
“No, no,” I said. “I’ll be all right. Just bring me a glass of water.”
“Yes, sir, right away,” he said. “Would you prefer imported mineral water, sparkling water or club soda with a wedge of lime?”
索命侍者
记得下馆子吃饭那种轻松愉快的滋味吗？有人为你做饭菜，伺候你，事后替你收拾干净。你所要做的只是咀嚼、吞咽和付帐。但是，那样的时代一去不返了。如今，你感觉自己活像一只实验室中的老鼠，每要一块奶酷都得费尽心机走出迷宫。
“晚上好”，领班说，“四位？”
“是的，谢谢。”
“是坐在有烟区还是非吸烟区？”
“非吸烟区。”
“今晚诸位想在户内用餐还是户外用餐？”
“我想户内不错。”
接着，一位穿着和仪表比我们任何一个都神气的年轻人来到桌前。“晚上好，我叫保罗，今晚由我为大家服务。诸位是不是休息几分钟再点菜？”
“不用了，”我说，“我只要有肉和土豆就成，就给我来份煎里脊小牛排和一份烤土豆吧。”
“要汤还是色拉？”
“色拉。”
“我们有什锦色拉，棕榈心色拉，还有极精致的苣荬菜拌小是色拉。”
“就要什锦色拉，行吗？”
“遵命，先生。要什么调料？”
我不想再作决定了。“无论什么都行。”
“我们有意大利奶油调料，有蓝奶酪，有醋油沙词，有千岛拉酱，有法国第戎蜜，有牧场……”
“随便给我拿一样，让我惊喜一下。”
“意大利调料是我们的特色调料。上这个怎么样，先生？”
“好吧。”我简单地答道。我对这套礼貌的问话烦透了。
“那么您的烤土豆……”
我知道他下面要说什么。“我只要烤土豆，你明白了吗？我不想在上面加任何东西。”
“不要黄油？不要酸奶油？”
“不要。”
“不要细香葱？”
“不要！难道你不懂英语？”我吼道，“我不想在上面加任何东西。就给我一份烤土豆和一份牛排。”
“先生要6盎司的，8盎司的还是12盎司的牛排？”
“随便。”
“您的牛排是要嫩的，半生的，适中的，略微过火的，还是熟烂的？如果您需要，我们还可以为您做成蝴蝶展翅状。”
“保罗小子”我说，“你真让我上火了。”
“那就来点清淡的蔬菜吧，先生。你喜欢清蒸花椰菜、奶汁玉米，炒美洲南瓜，戎萝卜丁……”
够了。我把餐巾摔到地上，站起身，把脸凑近他那副得意洋洋的面孔说：“到外头去解决这事儿，怎么样？”
“没问题，先生。您想去停车场、小胡同，还是餐馆门口的大街？”
“我想就地解决。”说着，我一拳打了过去。他低头躲过，然后用左钩拳回击我的眼睛正下方。整个晚上这是他第一次没让我选择。我半醒半昏地瘫在椅子上，这时候有个管事的匆匆赶来，把保罗训斥了一番。
当我恢复神志，我看到那领班正在我面前，一副紧张不安的神情。他向我道歉，说要请我一杯，叫救护人员急救--我要求什么都行。
“不，不必了，”我说，“我没事的。给我一杯水就行了。”
“好的，先生，马上就来”他说“你要进口矿泉水，苏打水，还是苏打水加片酸橙？”